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Be an optimist in reality

Irrational optimism is the belief that tomorrow it will be better than today or yesterday. The British neurobiologist Tali Sharot reflects on why our brain overestimates the possibilities of future well -being, instead of realistically perceiving life. And what is more in this – benefits or harm?

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Most people (80%) are more prone to unreasonable optimism than realism, although this is not realized. We tend to overestimate the likelihood that good events will occur in our lives, and underestimate the likelihood of bad ones (cancer, auto -catastrophe). At the same time, we can relate to the fate of our compatriots and our country with pessimism, but personal optimism (“everything will be fine with me and my loved ones”) remains unchanged.

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Some believe that the secret of happiness is in low expectations. The logic is as follows: if we do not hope to meet love and be healthy and successful, we will not be disappointed if this is not. And if this suddenly happens, we will be happy. Witty, but incorrect.
Whatever happens, we have achieved success or not, people with high expectations always feel better.
Irrational optimism can lead to risky behavior, erroneous planning and financial collapse. The British government admitted that due to a tendency to optimism, people can underestimate the cost and terms of projects. Therefore, the budget of the 2012 Olympics was edited taking into account this.
How to protect yourself from the dangers of optimism, but at the same time maintain hope, using its advantages? The key is knowledge about this of our property. It will help us protect ourselves from the harm of unreasonable optimism and at the same time maintain hope (although awareness of our own tendency to optimism and does not dispel all illusions).

Psychologies invites

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To fall through the earth: how does it arise and what shame is talking about us?

Shame has many guises. He is hiding behind anxiety and fear, self -doubt and shyness, aggression and anger. Experience in crisis time is a completely natural phenomenon. But if moderate shame is useful, then behind deep shame is an abyss of unpleasant experiences. How to understand that shame prevents you from living? Is healing possible?

Aren `t you ashamed?

“Which is natural, it’s not shameful,” the ancient philosopher Seneca wrote in his works. Indeed, psychologists associate a sense of shame with fantasy that others can make us laugh. For example, when people lose their jobs, some worry about how to earn a living now, while others – what people will think about them. Most likely they will laugh and freeze.

Shame always appears when something happens that makes a person notice the gap between his current position and created in the head ideal. Imagine a successful lawyer will have to work as a seller. He is sure that everyone knows about his failure: passers -by, neighbors, family.

Parents often say: “How are you not ashamed”: when the baby burst into tears in public or broke a new toy, when he spilled juice on a tablecloth at the festive table or said a rude word. To shame is a simple way to force the child to become obedient.

Without thinking about the consequences, adults give the baby the following message: “You will disappoint us if you do not follow the rules”

A child who is often ashamed draws one conclusion: “I am bad, I am wrong, something is wrong with me”. Behind this “something” lies the abyss of complexes and experiences that will be highlighted by the psyche when the baby becomes an adult.

With proper education, parents form a child’s sense of responsibility for their words and actions using a clear designation of the rules, and not constant attachment. For example: “If you break toys, new ones will not buy you” and so on. At the same time, if the child nevertheless broke toys, it is important for adults to focus on the fact that it is a bad act, and not the child himself.

The origins of shame

The basis of guilt is the belief that a person has done something bad. Shame causes a feeling of incorrectness and deterioration.

Shame, like wine, is associated with social context. But if you can atone for guilt, getting rid of shame is almost impossible. A shameful person constantly asks himself a question that Fedor Dostoevsky formulated in the novel “Crime and Punishment”: “Is I trembling creature or right?”

The ashamed person is asked how much he is valuable in itself, to what actions he has the right. With a lack of self -confidence, such a person cannot independently get out of the trap of shame.

In the context of the events taking place

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today, thousands of people experience the so -called collective shame

The actions of people with whom we are connected by national or any other attribute cause a lot of emotions – anxiety, guilt, shame. Someone takes responsibility for the actions of other members of the group, whether it is family members or fellow citizens, and he punishes himself for these actions. He may feel awkward when the phrases are pronounced “I have nothing to do with it, I just stood nearby”, deny my identity or show aggression directed both out and inside.

Shame, which already reinforces the differences between people, makes you feel alienated, lonely. A metaphor can serve as a picture in which a person stands completely naked in the middle of a crowded street. He is ashamed, he is lonely, he poke his fingers in his direction.

The failure of the group with which a person identifies himself is considered by him as a personal failure. And the stronger the feeling of shame, the brighter the own shortcomings are experienced. It is becoming increasingly difficult to cope with such a powerful feeling.

The need for affiliation is the cornerstone, around which the experience of shame unfolds. As a child in childhood is afraid that his parents will throw him because he is bad and an adult awaiting abandonment. He believes that sooner or later everyone will leave him.

Confess that you are ashamed

“The ability to blush is the most human of all human properties,” Charles Darwin claimed. Many since childhood are familiar with this sensation: cheeks are painted with paint, legs become cotton, a drop of sweat appears on the forehead, their eyes drop down, rumbling in the stomach.

During a quarrel with a partner or an explanation with the boss, the brain activates the nerve patterns, and shame literally paralyzes the whole body. A person is not able to take a step, despite a desperate desire to escape. The victim of shame may feel the lack of control over his own body, which makes shame even deeper. A person can literally feel that he was compressed, decreased in size. The experience of this feeling is unbearable, but you can work with it.

Psychologists advise starting with a simple. As soon as you feel signs of shame in the body, say: “I’m ashamed now”. This recognition alone is enough to get out of isolation and give yourself the opportunity to minimize the influence of shame. Of course, everyone is familiar to hide their shame, to hide from it, but this only exacerbates the situation.

Shame is healed by the creation inside the space to feel and observe when it comes and leaves

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